Please don't have guilty thoughts when you think of us.

My last post clearly tugged on a few heart strings and also triggered many people to get in touch with me. I truly appreciate how so many of you care about us, honestly it warms our spirits. I want you to know not every day is like that for us. We woke up Friday in a much better way. We actually went a little crazy and bought a record player and some records and listened to albums we haven't listened to for a long time while we shared a glass (bottle) or two or wine and Nora had a fun day playing. Couple of things on that actually, (1) I forgot how good it is to listen to an entire album rather than a play list on Spotify and (2) it is ridiculous how I can remember song lyrics from 10 / 15 / 20 years ago yet I have no clue what I did yesterday. We have had a good day today too and our mood is clearly much better.

My point of the post was to be honest about how days like that happen and how I'm learning it's perfectly fine to have them. I know when it's happening and i'm learning how sometimes I can snap out of it and how on some days I can't. So I don't fight it on those days. I get through the day hoping the next day will be better. It was and fortunately it often is for me. I know I have Kate to talk to and an incredible bunch of friends I can call any time if I need to talk and so I feel mostly stable. Plus I now have this to vent my feelings.

Some of the people who reached out are the lovely families we have been blessed to meet on this awful road. They are all fabulous and they inspire us each and every day. Many of them reached out and it was a similar theme. Sympathizing with similar days of dark clouds and struggles yet with a sense of guilt that their child is still here and ours isn't and how it must be so much worse for us.

I talked to Kate about it and we both had the same thought. I'm not sure it is worse for us. Before I get into it let me be absolutely clear, we would swap in an absolute heart beat. But are our days worse than how they were before we lost Hannah? I'm not sure they are. We are absolutely heart broken and life will never, ever be the same for us but, in that pain, our lives are much simpler. I now have nothing to fear about this life.

Let me try and explain. We have been where you are. We know how tough treatment is, we know what it's like to have to push and exhaust yourself just to get through it. Those long daunting trips to hospitals, clinic visits, and those terrifying trips to ER. We know all those dark thoughts you have, we know the awful places your head goes, and how some days are utterly heart breaking to get through. We know that every few months you have the dreaded MRI looming. For anyone who hasn't been through it, nothing quite terrifies you like the letters M, R and I. The scanxiety is like nothing else and it sends the staunchest into the most unimaginable dark places. We know how awful the wait for those results is. We do not miss that. You live, and quite often thrive, with all that uncertainty and have to look to a future that although most likely includes the word survivor, you know has tough challenges ahead.

See we are in rebuilding mode now. We are grieving and trying to heal and slowly picking each little piece of our heart up off the floor and slowly trying to put it back together. We wish it were so different for us but please don't feel like our situation is worse. We are forced to come to terms with every thing now and slowly by each passing day realizing how blessed we were to even have had her in our lives. We don't want you to feel guilty about how you think about us.

We will always be rooting for you all and please know we will be here for you should you ever need us. You inspire us and we want nothing more than to see your kids thrive.

To all you other 'normal' people, life has this way of being relative. Life isn't Top Trumps and I don't want it to be. What your triggers are for your bad days are no worse than what causes me to have my bad days. At least to how you and I view them. It's not worse for me than it is for you. It doesn't matter whether you think my situation is worse than yours, and certainly don't allow thoughts of guilt to give you that perception. What is important on those dark cloudy days is you making it through to the next day and keeping hope that it will be better.

We love seeing pictures of your kids having fun. We love to see our friends on holidays and on nights out and having fun and making memories. We want to know what you are up to and to see you happy. We want to see your kids growing and thriving.

We said to each other a long time ago that whatever happens we need to keep bitterness at bay. That door is shut, it's not coming in, and piece by piece and step by step and day by day we'll get through.

The only thing we ever ask of anyone is the same as I asked on the post when Hannah passed, just spread a little kindness.

Keep talking.