I cried for the first time in a while today

I cried for the first time in a while today.

Not a deep sobbing uncontrollable cry. But one of those real deep, hugely heavy heart, slow ones. Where you just have a little slow trickle of tears slowly making their way down your face while your head is awash with thoughts. No sound, no movement, just tears.

I wrote last week how much better I was feeling and how I was ready to get on to some extent. That's still the case, it was just a whopper of a morning.

One of the last things we have to do is collect Hannah's ashes. We've put it off for so long, and we are awash with guilt over that. I contact them to arrange it and then kind of back out and life goes on and on and around we go. There's not much I'm really afraid of to be honest. But that, the thought of bringing her home in a little box, well that absolutely terrifies me.

Chills me to the bones and makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.

I wish we / the funeral place had made arrangements with us to deal with it before we celebrated her life but for whatever reason we didn't. It's hung around lingering in the back ground like a bad burden. Easy to ignore at first but it just slowly builds and builds like a slow anxiety building cliff top you are eventually going to have to jump off.

Literally every single decent TV show has death in it, and I cant tell you how often we see cremation on TV and every single time it stings like a knife. we just sit there through it, I guess the other knowing exactly what the other is thinking.

Anyway, I forced the issue - or rather Kate forced me to force the issue. I'm ready to bring her home. The funeral director called this morning to make arrangements. We had long since picked an urn. A beautiful small, gentle wooden one. Chose the engraving - Just her name and date of birth - her other date I don't want on there. Then the guy just said he was going to bring her ashes to our house himself.

The relief at those words took a weight of my mind.

But there is the huge weight of the week ahead. The anxiety of when is she coming. How will we deal with that? Where will we put her? How will we navigate it all?

This has been the first time we've done something, without doing it before, for a while and its just as hard as all those little first milestones we've navigated previous.

I hung up the phone and just walked into the living area. We looked at each other. Sighed and I just sat staring out the window with my dark thoughts as the tears slowly fell.

It sucks so bad. Times like that feel so damn unfair and as seems to be the way with these things now I just get angry at life. Not destructive angry but I just a big 'F**k you' to the world.

Plus, it's been a week of Mondays and I have a late important Friday afternoon meeting so it's set about recovery mode. Music on, play a little guitar, gather my thoughts, and then hopefully knock a presentation out of the park.

I think we'll end this week with a walk and a nice glass of whiskey and just slightly comforted a little that perhaps this time next week that burden wont be anywhere near as heavy.