Alternate dimensions

We went out on Saturday late afternoon. We took Nora for ice cream and there is a lovely little family run brewery a few doors down. Convenient I know but when the stars align like that you just have to roll with it right? One beer turned into a few and a good time was had. It's such a chilled atmosphere full of families, people with their dogs and good beer and usually a good food truck - although I make it sound like we spend all our time there. We don't. Sadly.

There was another family there with two little girls. One was the same age as Nora and so they did that thing kids do where they scope each other out. Stare at each other relentlessly, and then when a smile comes from either one, retreat to the safety of behind Mum or Dad's legs to continue said stare. Funny little things aren't they. These guys were sat at the other side of the place and Nora wanted us to go over. We declined and encouraged her to go say hello on her own. She did - I love her confidence. All with the predatory creeping motion, like a cheetah after its prey, being commentated on by David Attenborough.

We eventually felt bad for dumping our child on this poor family and made our own, much less predatory, way over. We ended up talking to them and sharing the usual details. Work, where you live, how long you have been coming to the brewery etc (not long enough). I've written before about people asking if Nora is our only child. We are much more used to this question now and depending on the people and mood we will respond in different ways. It didn't come up this time but something else did.

They had two little girls. One Nora's age and one roughly a year behind. The youngest was clearly the more boisterous of the two. Much like Nora is compared to Hannah at the same age. I just casually mentioned its second child syndrome, but then where could I go from there. Fortunately he didn't question further and just agreed. I sat there and continued the conversation with that little thought sitting in the back of my mind. It was fine and we enjoyed talking to them, just something that's not come up before.

It sucks really because you do just want to share your stories and memories. I want to tell people about Hannah and all the funny things she did and her mannerisms and all of those little stories will always fit into conversations with other parents talking about this children. It's just sad we have to save those for our friends. I mean we could have told them, but it changes the mood and it would have completely changed the conversation.

Then today I went mountain biking in the morning and we headed to Costco. I hate grocery shopping, unless i'm hungry, but I can always be talked into Costco purely because they feed you all the way round. I ended up trying everything from a protein shake to organic baked seaweed crisps - delicious by the way - we took a bag home.

I went off and looked at the TV's and all the other Dad things they have in there and made another route past the baked seaweed chips to find Kate and Nora. Kate told me she had seen someone we knew.

I used to do some coaching when I was pushing Hannah into football (soccer). We would go down a couple of nights a week and do an hour and then an hour on Saturday morning for actual games. It was good fun. Most of the time was spent just trying to keep the kids interested but I enjoyed it and I think they did for the most part. One Little girl came with her Dad and her younger sister. Little Anna. She was a lovable cheeky little thing but pretty good when she wanted to be.

There in Costco were the three of them. We ended up walking past them but fortunately he either didn't recognize me or didn't want to engage. But, there she was this tall, older girl. She had a pretty dress on and had a cute pair of glasses on and she just looked so grown up compared to the little six year old I had to some times literally beg to kick the football.

It was crushing. Like a visual image of what Hannah might look like. We have nieces the same age or similar ages to Hannah but for some reason this really hit home. We watched her walking and confidently taking one of the freebies. It was a beef wrap thing for the record - we didn't take one of those home.

You cant help but imagine what she would be like. How tall she would be. How endlessly confident and funny she would be and how utterly, utterly, incredibly beautiful she would be. It was like watching some sort of tease into an alternate reality where none of the cancer stuff ever happened that I so often dream about.

If only hey?

Then the universe did one of its things i'm now getting used to. Kate asked me to pick up some Tzatziki and I went over to grab a tub, picked it up, and there on the top of it was 'Hannah'.

I used to be skeptical about this sort of stuff but not so now. They happen far too frequently and at times just when you need them to and when you are least expecting. Coincidence, maybe, but i'll go with it being something more than that.

I always like to imagine its her little way of somehow saying, 'It's okay Daddo'.