Being kind to yourself is just as important as being kind to others

I’ve had many compliments these last few weeks. Praising me for my bravery and desire to share Hannah’s story. Words like ‘incredible’ and ‘amazing’ and many others. Constant comments about how proud I should be of what I have done.

I don’t feel that way. I mean sure, I’m pleased with myself with what I have managed to do these last few weeks but none of it anywhere near the complementary response other people have directed my way. I find compliments a little too much and sometimes difficult to deal with. If you message me a compliment you are at best very lucky to get a ‘thanks’ in response.

But then that is probably what makes us unique. It is what makes us individual. My amazing is a different amazing to someone else. What annoys me might encourage someone else.

I have had a busy few months and it peaked this last week. Work has been busy, I have presented in front of people multiple times, I have even talked about Hannah in a formal setting a few times. This is really where the praise comes from. I wish I shared the same sense of pride people tell me I should but I don’t.

Sure, I’m far from disappointed in myself but I’m also not overwhelmed either. I mean, I know I have delivered but talk beyond that makes me a little uncomfortable. Wish I knew why, and some might say it is out of character but that is the way it is.

Anyway, this has all peaked lately and I have had a rough few days mentally. I can tell I have allowed myself to be under pressure and I know, and have written in the past, about how these are triggers to my mental health wobbles. My social media timeline has been covered with gold and stories and I love that. I wish it was more none childhood cancer families but one step at a time.

One post in particular rocked me. It was a Father holding their child. Clearly at the end of their life. All of a sudden I had this panic. Did I do that with Hannah? DId I pick her up and hold her? I couldn’t remember. Then I couldn’t remember the last time we had one of those deep arms wrapped around snuggles. So I started looking at the photos on my phone and scrolled through looking for proof I had done it. Scrolling faster and faster. Just driving myself crazy with it.

Then that deep heartbreak kicked in and you panic and stress whether any of it was actually real and the utter anger and disbelief it actually happened. Why can’t I remember everything, why can’t I recall every single moment?

The clouds descended and down I went.

I’m fine now. It took me a little while to climb out but I’m better now.

I was talking to Kate about it and she’d had a similar few days. Talking to her I realized a few things. Mostly just how utterly cruel we can be to ourselves. I mean is it in any way fair that today's me can make

judgement on myself back then?

What an absolute dick move that is.

When I did the filming with work recently sharing Hannah’s story and I noticed something. I was talking about Hannah’s Proton Treatment and I used the words, ‘we were having proton treatment in Jacksonville.’ ‘We’ not Hannah, not she, but ‘we’.

It dawned on me what she went through was a huge team effort. That we were with her at every single step fighting with her. If you give them love and you stand by them and you do all you can, then I’m not sure what else you can do.

How you respond in certain situations, in that environment, that is just you. That response is based on who they were too and your relationship with them. We all grew together. Were there tough moments and arguments. Of course there were but you can't criticize yourself now for them. It’s who you are.

You can't make a wrong call when you are acting with your heart full of love, present and living it too. You are who you are, they are who you are, and that response is all of it combined.

When I was talking to Kate about it I asked if there were arguments with her Parents in the past. Of course there were right? We all have them. Then asked if any of them in anyway mattered now? Of course not.

So why do we beat ourselves up over little moments with our own children? We are our own worst enemy if we allow ourselves to be.

How can I today sit and critique everything I did or didn’t do during Hannah’s cancer? How completely irrational and unfair that is? That environment is so tough, the pressure so intense. Everything you go through, you are a million miles from where you should be as a person. At least from your own perception.

This Paul has absolutely no right to critique any version of Paul from the past.

That is exactly what you would say to someone else. So why do we struggle so much to say it to ourselves?

The reality is you are exactly who you are. Your presence and love alone is everything you can give and more. That was me, that was us. We loved her the whole world. The pain and heartache, well that is just love. That is all it is.

It doesn’t not matter what I did or didn’t do when Hannah died. Honestly, she wasn’t that much of a snuggle bug anyway, especially when she was feeling lousy. A lot like her Mummy in all honesty.

Be there, love them, do all you can. That is all a parent of a kid with cancer can do. Everything else does not matter. That is all any parent can aim to do. Circumstances and the world might make being physically there tough at times. But you can still be there all the same. Especially today. Love can swim oceans and climb over walls and mountains.

We have to be kinder to ourselves. It’s so difficult in grief to love yourself again. It’s so hard to leave your actions in the past. It’s so difficult to not be critical or beat yourself up over them.

Yet it's so utterly, utterly unfair to do so. We have to step out and look in to ourselves rather than out more. I can't think of many I would be too critical of, yet I am sure that is not the internal perception of themselves. We all do it.

Easier said than done I know.

Grief, life, everything is a roller coaster. Just, when its on the way down, try to be kind, to you more than anyone else.