Dealing with Grief and Life

It's been another 'a while' since I wrote. We are doing alright really. Mostly comfortably secure in the Covid world and mostly locked down and safe. I started another new role at work and I've been focusing my writing of 'the book'. Or at least the story of what we all went through with Hannah. I'm hoping to finish it one day and beyond that who knows what I will do with it. My plan is for Nora to at least have something to read when she is older to help her make sense of it all. But also for the chance of her Sister to still be the role model she would have been.

My family lost a couple of friends recently. Unexpected and absolutely heart breaking. I wont go into details but it got me thinking about grief and how we have moved on from were we where and where we are now. Its hard to really grasp and spell out in terms of evolution and I hate to use words like progress because that drives feelings of guilt. But we've moved forward. Our lives are still littered with Hannah and she's never too far from always on my mind. Good days follow bad days and on and on it goes. Although a few years on and the bad days become less.

I've been thinking about what I have learned, about grief and love and ultimately myself as a person and I wanted to capture some thoughts on grief and perhaps what I words I would offer someone in the unfortunate event they we in a similar situation. I haven't read books on this and there are probably way better publications and psychologists and professionals far better equipped for this than my little rambling website. However, I started this blog in the hope it helps someone one day and maybe these rambles will. I'm just a Dad who never turns his brain off trying to make sense of it all.

One thing we've learned is grief is individual. It's yours and you cant, even though you might try to, quantify it. We always try to judge ourselves with others. How do I compare to that person. But its a waste of time to d that and frankly its a lie. Don't look at my situation and assume it is worse for me. How can it be when you and I are different and your relationship with your loved one was different to mine. I don't share the same thoughts and feelings as you do. So treat it as your own. Don't make judgement on yourself based on how you think you should feel and definitely do not make judgement or pander to how you think others think you should feel. It doesn't matter what or who you have lost, we all grieve. There is no right or wrong. No easier or harder. Just you as a person dealing with loss. Just trust and have hope you can deal with all you have ahead of you and most of all be absolutely kind to yourself.

Grief becomes a part of you. It does not go away. For sure there will moments where you don't feel it, but its there, and it's going to stay with you every single day. There are days when it will consume you and there will be days where honestly it can sometimes be helpful and be your friend. One thing for sure I would tell someone is to not fight it. You will have days and feelings which might leave you numb. Some days you might want to curl up into a ball or run away. Some days you might not even be able to get out of bed. But trust those days will pass.

You'll feel emotions that might be unusual to you. Anger, despair, anxiety for sure. Some of this maybe new to you and you'll have to face and deal with these things. My advice is to not fight them. I find the best medicine is to find something you love and do that often. The feelings will pass and eventually with a little time you will learn there is joy and happiness and love still out there in the world.

Let them out if you need to. I have had moments where I have screamed in anger at the world. I cry. Sometimes I seek the crying. I'll know I need to and i'll go watch things I know will make the tears flow. It's normal. It's a well known saying these days as we talk about our mental health more and more but it is absolutely okay to not really be okay.

If it becomes too much tell someone. Seek help if you need to. Use friends, vent when you need to and don't be afraid to let those emotions go. I haven't been through grief counselling but there have been days when I thought I might need to. I would have no issue talking to someone if I felt like I needed to though. Friend's ears, music, getting out and about and my family are my medicine. Don't be fearful of talking about your loss. One of my favorite things to do is to talk about Hannah. Don't fear keeping them in your thoughts and make them visual. As hard as it might be at the start, it gets easier. Everything is hard the first time. Everything.

I constantly try to accept grief as a part of me. It is who I am now, and these feelings and the grief is all down to love. Its no more a punishment than it is a blessing. I tell myself frequently and acknowledge my grief comes from a place of love. How remarkable this world is billions of years old, humans have been around for thousands and thousands of years, and there I was in 2010 on June 2nd, in a small hospital room, holding that entire world in my arms. I cling to the sheer size of existence and the remarkableness of how much I loved her and how that made me the luckiest kid in the world.

Let go of regrets. We are who we are and what we have done in the past is who we are. Don't criticize or punish today's you for the actions you took in the past. Its pointless energy and will not change anything. Grief wants you to punish yourself, don't let it.

Look, its not easy and there are days when grief and I, and all the symptoms it brings, do not get on and sometimes the longing is too much. But I genuinely feel if I keep accepting the blessing of that love then I wont hate my grief. We have to live with each other after all and I hope that lasts for a good longer while yet. Maybe one day we might actually get on.

Think of it less of trying to control your grief. That I don't think you can. But you can definitely try and control how you react to it and how you interact with it. That is something I can control and the more I can control the better I am.

Try not to worry about things you cant control. Anxiety might make that difficult. But try. Somethings to think about are other people, how they interact with you. How differently they might now interact with you now. Maybe family members. Maybe anger might try and consume you at times, but remember, you might not be able to control what made you angry but you can control how you react to it. If you need space from people or things, then make that space if you can. You are the most important thing. Focus your energy on you and your loved ones.

Time is your worst enemy and also your best friend. It is the only thing you have absolutely no control over. One minute will pass into the next and then day after day will drift by and suddenly it's two years and you have no idea how you got this far. Use time for hope. On those difficult days be reassured the day will end and pass into another and a new day gives a new opportunity. Better days do eventually follow bad days. Hope.

Like, grief, do not fight time. You cant. You might long at times for time to heal, but time will give you that if you let it. You will want to slow time down, especially as you approach those milestones. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmas, School starting and on and on. Just know that as quickly as these things come around just as quickly will they pass.

Try and treat milestones as a reflection period rather than a potential stumbling block. On several occasions I have struggled in the run up to them and lived with fear I was taking several steps back in my grieving process as the emotions overwhelm. That wasn't the case. Sometimes the ones you fear more might actually be easier to deal with. Just know, as they come, they will pass. Maybe try and create little traditions for those milestones. We like to go see the ocean for example. I think that helps, it did this year,

Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Learn when you need to slow down. You might have a desire to throw yourself into things for distraction. Work for example. But, know when you have done too much. If the symptoms of grief start to burn too much then slow down. Go back to the things you love and do them often again.

It's true that life wont be the same and you will change. I think I am different to the Paul of three or four years ago. But I also don't think that is a negative. You'll have to get to know yourself again as time goes on, and if you are kind and don't punish yourself or hold on to feelings of guilt, you will learn enjoy your own company again, even with grief there. You'll slowly learn to live with it and slowly, maybe very slowly, living gets just that little bit easier.

Lean on your faith if you can. If you are like me and religion isn't for you you can still have Faith. We cant make sense of everything in this world. When strange things happen, when your gut tells you its someone saying hello, giving you a reminder, the universe letting you know, then let that in. Grab it and hold on to it. I no longer fight the things I can't explain, you can read about some of them. If I find an unexpected "H" all alone, especially when I need to then I grab it. That is faith, that is hope and keep hope in your heart where ever and whenever you can.

Remember, the sheer size of this Universe and they were yours and you were theirs and that is simply incredible, how blessed we are.

For W & P and all who were lucky enough to love them x