Father's Day

I'm never really been a fan of days like Father's Day and I certainly had very little interest in it this time. No clue why they just don't bother me. At least that is what I tell myself. Such that when I was asked to head to California to host a workshop at a conference I readily said yes. I booked the flight out on the Sunday and it didn't really register with me what day it was. Great avoidance skills.

I didn't care so much for Father's Day so it wouldn't affect me. I'd avoided it, didn't even consider it. Didn't even send cards home to my Dad so mentally I was good right? Wrong.

This is the thing with grief. You never quite know when it is going to jump on you and suffocate you.

I woke up and did that usual thing drinking a coffee where you check social media and Facebook was nothing short of an explosion. Instantly I knew I had made a bad call heading out that day. Not that I couldn't manage, just that I was going to spend the most part of the day on my own on either a plane or an airport. Google photos did their 'check this day out in 2017' also and I knew this was pretty much diagnosis period and initial surgery time.

I knew I was getting in to California at around 6.30pm local time and I had colleagues and friends there who I knew would be good for a much needed beer so I just got on with it.

I packed, said my 'see ya in a few days' and headed out.

Travelling in an afternoon in Florida in summer time is a bit pot luck - I should have known and avoided it. Storms crept in and I was delayed and ended up missing my connection which was a nice four hour stint in Atlanta. It was touch and go to make the first flight but the universe put paid to that and I was stuck around to wait.

Pushing myself for more punishment I looked at Googles suggested photos and it sent me into a dark spin. I was close to breaking down, did not want to be there and did not want to be in among a ton of people I did not know. I put some music on and took a little walk and managed to some what snap out of it. I was fine really, I'd just put myself in a scenario I shouldn't and the universe had done its bit to make it worse so I well and truly learned the lesson.

I ate and had a couple of beers and got through it but got to Cali way after beer time. It was a unnecessarily long emotional day entirely of my own doing really.

I guess the point is to not under estimate how these things can affect you and I need to be more self aware of them. Not necessarily to get my self through them but to just be kind to myself and give myself room to breath, if and when I need that space. It doesn't take long to fall into a vulnerable place on days like that and so no more travelling and being on my own on days like that if I can help it.

The rest of the trip was fine. It was busy and working with good people and we even managed a trip to the beach for dinner one night where I came across a 'HB'.

Daddy's Hannah Barry. x