Look for her and there She will be

When we knew for sure Hannah had relapsed I spent a good amount of time discussing Faith and Religion with Hannah's Doctor Stacie and the palliative care team. For the most part religion is a much bigger part in day to to day lives in the States vs back home in the UK. While my stance on Religion will likely never change, I am not religious, we did come to some common ground on Faith. Two entirely different things in my opinion but the concept of Faith I can get on board with. I wrote on the day Hannah died that I cant believe you can love something quite as much as we loved her without the universe having some way we will meet again. I steadfastly believe that - what ever form it will be, maybe science has some catching up to do, who knows. But in my heart, I believe it.

This post isn't about religion and I respect peoples opinions. Honestly, i'm almost jealous of those who believe. It must be comforting in some way to feel like there is some divine reason for all this. Maybe that is wrong but that's how I feel. Anyway, this post is more about Faith and hope.

Stacie said to me in the days after Hannah passed, 'Search for her and there she will be'. 'Maybe a smell or a thing someone says or maybe even some situation'. I think of this often.

In the days after she passed we went to the beach with all the family. Two things happened that day. One was I had a thought early in the day when we got there that if a Dolphin appeared at sun set I would know she was with us. Sure enough a Dolphin passed along the line of the sun just as it was setting. I know, it's not unusual to see Dolphins in Florida. Then a picture was taken of me staring into the ocean. Its on the main page. If you read this on your phone you might not be able to see it but above the two boats is a solitary cloud. The cloud looks like a mermaid and Hannah loved the idea of Mermaids.

Little else like that has happened to us. I do look for her. Especially when I am out and about but nothing quite so glaringly obvious as that.

Well, today we had our feet knocked from under us.

I've just got back from a work trip abroad. This morning we were talking about Christmas and Kate got upset and had a little cry. How can we put the tree up, how do we make it magical and deal with all those little family Christmas things as a three and not four. We'll also be hosting my Sister who's over in the states while my Niece has Proton treatment so we'll again have a gorgeous little girl with no hair in the house. Its not that we don't want them to come. Of course we do, its just that its terrifying thinking of having to deal with it.

Anyway, it so happens that Target have a sale on their Christmas stuff. So I suggested we go and have a look and see if buying some new Christmas stuff will improve our mood.

We got to the Christmas isle and had to watch all these frantic families and kids all excited. It was tough and sort of reinforced all of the feelings we'd had in the morning. We walked to the first stand and started looking. It was mostly full of sweet stuff and fancy pop corn and the like. Kate commented on it and then spotted a couple of Snowman tree decorations. They were literally the only two ones there. I searched and searched that stand and couldn't fine one more other than the two we spotted.

There they were. First one 'Hannah' and the second one 'Elizabeth'. Her two first names. Boom! It was as if the Elizabeth had to be there just so we could believe it. Hannah might be coincidental, Elizabeth also made it more than remarkable.

We were gobsmacked. Honestly I couldn't believe it. I hate things like this but when it smacks you in the face like that what are you to do? We laughed a little at the world. I had a few little tears. But there it was, the universe or Hannah or what ever giving us a little sign.

Once I got over the shock I instantly felt better. To us it's a sign we have to try and enjoy Christmas. I know she is with us and I have a warmth I've not felt for a little while. Of course we took these two home with us, a new precious part of the family. We eventually found the snowman bauble stand some distance away and there wasn't a Hannah or an Elizabeth to be seen. We are home now, started cooking a roast dinner and we are sharing a bottle of wine -which might end up being two. Both of us a little more comforted about the coming month ahead. I know it's way too early but the tree is coming out tonight, we'll decorate it, and Hannah and Elizabeth will take pride of place and we'll sit and embrace the days and weeks ahead.

I started writing this whole blog in the hope it might help someone else one day. I have spoken of holding on to hope when it presents itself. Well it did for us today in an unbelievably dramatic way, just when we needed it to.

With hope in your heart, you'll never walk alone. x