New Year, New Beginnings

I took a break from writing after the new year. That's been on purpose in all honesty. I've had plenty to talk about but there were just a few reasons why I didn't. One was I didn't really feel up to it. I've had a relatively busy time with work and I was aware that was coming - sometimes dropping writing is the right thing - I knew this would take its toll and I kind of shut myself up as much as I could. Naturally that plan didn't quite work out I pushed too hard and had a few not so good days. That's fine though. I don't worry about these days now, i'm used to them, I know they are coming and I know longer fight them. Grief is not a crime and you cant punish yourself for the way you feel. I don't like these days, hate them in fact, but its nothing more than love and that's nothing to punish yourself over.

We'd had a busy Christmas and New Year with my niece in the US for her Radiation treatment. For the most part it was great to be busy but there were definitely moments when we just wanted to run off. Maybe we'll do that next year.

I knew I was heading to the UK with work for 10 days in January. I try to limit trips being that long, especially after all that has happened. It's easy for me to run off and occupy myself with work, I actually enjoy my work and love the people I work with, but that doesn't make it easy on Kate who is left here. I know its tough for her so I try to limit it. Her Parents are retired now and seem to like spending as much time as possible in Florida so that makes it easier. What better time to travel with work than when your Mother in Law is in town (This is a joke).

I knew it was going to be a busy trip. We have a new product at work and we had to learn the ins and outs of it and I was fully aware it was going to be intense. Then we visited a few UK hospitals and drove through the UK so all in all it was long days and nights and pretty tiring. So I kept my head down as much as possible and cracked on.

Anyway, we also did something random the week before I flew. We were planning on buying a house in the summer. It's been time for a while and we would have done it earlier if everything hadn't have turned upside down. On the off chance we took a ride out to look at some new builds to give us an idea and fell in love with a place. Its gorgeous on a decent sized lot. It's too big for what we need but then I already told you my Mother in Law visits lots and all the Husbands reading this will understand the need for space (this is another joke). We put an offer in which we expected to be turned down and then had to panic and count every single dollar and roughly six weeks later we were moving house.

So, here I am writing in our new beautiful new home.

We love it and we are really happy.

It's new and shiny and it's been exciting and it already feels like home.

But, you know, its a little empty all at the same time.

I've written about milestones and them feeling like big looming intimidating doorways you have to navigate through. Well this one, this was a tough one.

It was a crazy, crazy few weeks. We barely told anyone our plans - just close friends and family. I was convinced something was going to go wrong. I mean, our luck has been more than out these past few years and I no longer trust getting excited about things. Understandable right? I was nothing short of a nightmare - pretty much on edge right up until the point where I was driving a big UHaul truck full of our stuff.

Packing was a nightmare. It always is. For some reason this all felt way harder and more intimidating than moving countries. Something we have done twice now. Fortunately for me, and because i'm a giant softy, Kate took care of all of Hannah's stuff. I did not have an ounce of me capable of putting all that stuff away. There are some drawers full of her clothes and we took them full. I don't want them emptying or her stuff putting away to most likely never come out again. I doubt i'll ever want to empty them. A funny thing really but, that's how I feel and that's how it is.

We are lucky Nora and Hannah shared a bedroom. Not for a lack of room but because Hannah wanted her in with her. Honestly, she loved her so much. Unfortunately it didn't stay that way for too long and she spent most nights either with us or in hospital. Still, it meant Nora used the room so we didn't really have an untouched room full of Hannah. Not that it wasn't full of Hannah, it absolutely was, more than we could even imagine once you dig deep. I guess what i'm saying is we were mostly comfortable being in there. We played with Nora in there, read stories in there, all the usual stuff. We had more than gone through the tears and quiet moments ourselves in there. I'm not sure how we'd have done it had her bedroom just been an untouched moment locked in time. I guess it all comes back to how your grief originates - for us it was a long process - probably started at diagnosis. Those that lose their Children in an instant will surely have different difficult situations to face.

Poor little Nora. We worry some times about how she is processing all this and what her little mind thinks about it all. Just yesterday she picked up one of Hannah's toys and said to Kate, "Look Mummy Hannah left this behind." Hits you right in the feels that hey? What must she think. In all honesty I think she still thinks we left Hannah at the hospital as if she's still lying in her bed. I'm looking forward to the day we can actually explain to her and talk to her and support her through all this. But, then at the same time she's so confident and feisty and all round beautiful i'm sure she'll be fine.

We actually found a ton of Hannah hidden away. She was always writing notes and drawing pictures and it feels like she left a little bit of something for everyone. The heartbreaking joy of finding a piece of paper where she had written how much she loves you. I'm going to frame some of them and pin them up in my office - eventually anyway.

Some days when I think things through in detail there is a little part of me that feels she was only supposed to be with us for a short time and all these little messages and notes are her way of subconsciously leaving us little droplets of her love. I hate the thought of fate to be honest but as days go by and things happen I ever evolve that opinion. At the very least it fuels my faith and hope we will meet again.

So much was a memory. All those teddy bears - you accumulate a million of them when you are a Cancer family. All the little bags of stuff from hospital stays - each one a smile in time.

Leaving the house was hard. Hannah had put little stickers on her bedroom door and Kate wanted to take the door. I was all in support of taking it but she managed to peel the stickers off. There was also a big "H" on the door. I'd been giving that a kiss every time I put Nora to bed too. All these little tiny things you take for granted but actually mean so much to you.

We loaded a UHaul and our army of amazing friends came by and helped lug stuff around. We are lucky there's a little close nit group of friends down here. We'd be lost without them at times.

I think the excitement numbed the pain some what and it was a few days after we moved where it hit home that a little chapter of our lives was closing. I think we both spent some time walking around and taking it all in. So much noise, so much laughter, so many memories and ultimately so much heart break. Don't take the little things for granted.

We've unpacked plenty but as with all new houses there's tons to do. Our new neighbours seem really nice - an Indian family who's grandma lives with them. I feel like maybe the universe is giving me a little treat. I'm sure I can get an invite to dinner soon enough. We'll get to all the stuff and jobs eventually. We also want to make a small space somewhere for Hannah. Not a shrine, but her little place in our home and I want to plant something outside for her. Maybe a clementine tree by the pond. Something tropical we can watch grow each day and something to sit by and think about her.

For now though we are enjoying our new home. Getting used to new routines and trying our best to keep half an eye on feisty little Nora. Next up is the anniversary of her death and, honestly, its making these days a little hard. Remember those big looming milestones.