Something to Love

I've talked before about one of my favorite musicians, Jason Isbell. He's a phenomenal singer songwriter and a brilliant story teller. His music is full of honesty and is a story of hope and i'm drawn to that. His music was a release for me while Hannah was having treatment and beyond.

I saw him for the first time years ago in the UK. He was supporting Ryan Adams and you know when you listen to a good support artist and then never listen to them again. Well not with Jason. I was hooked straight away. Kind of like when you talk to a dog and they tilt their heads as if those ears aren't big enough and they are desperate to hear what you are trying to say. That was me that night.

I first listened to his last album when Hannah was having Proton therapy. I remember listening to it the first time in the car driving back from treatment. Two songs hit me. One was 'We are Vampires' where the words stung. Its a melancholic story of the fragility of life, but with the subtle underlying message of that fragility being key to making it all worth it. The second one was 'Something to Love'. It's clearly about his Daughter and Wife but the message is simple, find what makes you happy and do it until you are done. It resonated then and it resonates today as we deal with the loss of Hannah.

I remember thinking of wanting nothing more than that for her. I looked at her through the rear view mirror of the car, at her beautiful face, and secretly asked the universe to grant her that. Its the same now with Nora, I don't need anything for her other than her being happy, to love whatever it is she decides to do, and for her to maintain that core happiness throughout her life.

In the weeks after Hannah passed something big happened. I'm a huge Liverpool supporter. My Dad made sure it was ingrained in me and I doubt that will ever change. I remember not being too interested in football. It didn't seem worth it and I was turning away. Even missing several games which in all honesty is unheard of. But then they started going on this huge run in the Champions League and I started to become excited. The football they played was breath taking at times and I found myself cheering with delight and finding moments of sheer joy in it. It was hope. Right there pure and simple.

It taught me there were moments of joy left in the world. That I could still be happy and grieve. That despite having a broken heart I could still experience moments of utter joy and I could cheer and scream and laugh with excitement. It was hope and it helped me.

Don't ever tell me sports are just a game. It's more than that. I love Liverpool and Liverpool, in those few months, taught me I could love them long after I thought I could. It was a release and a release and focus I needed.

They didn't win in the Champions League, lost in the final actually. Cruel somewhat, but it didn't matter. They had given me enough. Shown me hope and taught me a valuable lesson.

I used this lesson going forward. It's not like everything was sunshine and roses from that point. Far from it - you have read a lot of it. But the lesson was learnt. I am better when I fill my life with things I love. I have found new things I love and I do them more and more. It helps me and it helps others around me.

I watch and listen to things I know I will enjoy. My family and people around me fill my heart. Our friends are coming to stay in a few weeks and we cant wait. It's exciting and we cant wait to laugh with them. Moments of joy.

Grief and loss is so hard. I would never dream of offering more than sharing my experiences as advice. We are all individuals after all and there is no script. But, if you are open to things that fill your heart, that make you smile, that lift you, then I promise it is all that little big easier to deal with. It's what Hannah would want and it's what Nora deserves from us. You have to fight cancer long after your loved ones are gone because the effects never really go away. Let your heart fill and don't let it win. Defy it, and allow moments of joy. Make more memories and live as much as you can. Travel, write, sing, whatever it is, find it, and do it often.

It's extra hard these days because this world is a bit of a mess. It will break your heart a hundred times a day if you let it. Stay away from some of that if you need to and whenever and wherever you can look for hope.

"Just find what makes you happy girl and do it 'till you're gone"

It's solid advice.