The little small things

I've written before how most peoples perception of cancer treatment is wrong. Those who haven't been through it, especially childhood cancer, think its hair falling out, sickness and tiredness. That assumption couldn't be further from the truth. It's all the little small things that combined amount into the impossible mountain of strain to get through it all.

Trying to keep them fed, trying to keep them clean, keeping them entertained during long hospital stays. Cleaning teeth, taking medications and those endless hospital trips and each one requiring needles, injections and the absolute worst of all, tape removal. Every single one of them an absolute battle at times. It's a fight to do all of these anyway with kids, impossible almost when their poor little bodies are battered by poisonous chemo.

This is without even considering the emotional side of it all. Those quiet moments watching their beautiful face as they sleep and quietly asking the universe to not take them away.

All the little things add up to so much more than hair loss and sickness. Ask any childhood cancer family and I suspect they will tell you the same thing.

In a lot of ways grief is like that too.

I've written about all off our big events we've been through this year. How all those first times are impossibly hard and impossibly heart breaking. But what I have missed telling you is all the little small things that knock you off your feet when you least expect it.

Sure, Birthdays and Mothers and Fathers Day and the like are really tough but you expect them to be. You fear them and often make them worse and harder than they need to be. But, come the other side there you are, crumbled heart in hand, moving forward.

It's those little things I struggle with now. Those really unexpected things.

The other week I was drying Nora's hair. It quickly dawned on me this was the first time I had done it with a hair dryer and the first time I had done this since before Radiation. I looked in the mirror at us. She was stood on the side oblivious to the crushing going on inside me. I smiled a little and kept it together and thought about all those moments drying Hannah's hair.

You see, all those little moments you don't think about, they are the absolute best. She was at her most silliest in moments like that. She would say things to make you laugh out loud and those are the moments when all the little thoughts running through her head would come out. That's the really, really good stuff.

I guess that applies to life too.

I don't miss Birthdays, or Fathers Days or other special events. I miss the silliness. I miss the giggles over nothing. I miss listening to her talking and making up things. I miss her joking and playing. I miss snuggles. I miss watching her learn, watching her try a puzzle and watching her fierce determination to do something. I miss her creativity and crafting. I miss the games over bed time and the stories.

Those are all the things that mean so so much to me now. I don't long for Birthdays or big events. All the little small things that amount to the mountain of love and memories, that's the stuff I really miss.

I try hard now not to miss those with Nora. We were playing earlier and its a joy to watch her mind expand and her infectious giggle fills my heart. I'm blessed we get to do it all over again and blessed she is so wonderful.

Make the most of all the big things, but never discount or under appreciate the little moments. Read an extra story at bed time, have that extra cuddle because that's the really, really good stuff you don't ever want to miss the most.