Milestones

When I started this I was determined to be mostly positive but i'm not sure this post is going to be that way.

We are back in the UK. We arrived on Saturday morning to a cold and wet Manchester - who would have thought it. I'm not sure what is going on with Manchester Airport but it seems to be getting worse every time I go there. We lucked out on the flight over and were upgraded to first class. That helped with getting Nora some sleep but both Kate and I were unable to take advantage. I normally take a couple of Advil PM tablets on a long haul flight but decided this wasn't wise with a two year old and my head had so much mash of information whirling round I just lied down and started to process it all. I did manage to watch the new Avengers movie - solid 8/10 - but we both didn't get a wink of sleep.

After navigating the disaster that is Manchester Airport my Dad picked us up and we set of on the drive over Woodhead Pass back to sunny old Barnsley.

While thinking through everything and trying to process it all I think we have been a bit sheltered by living in the US on our own and its actually made it easier for us. I wrote before the news of Alyssa hit us that we were mostly doing okay. Not great by any means but we were getting through the days and starting to slowly piece our lives back together. I'm finding that grief is a process in many ways. By that I mean each little thing becomes a small milestone you pass through then the next time it becomes slightly easier. Maybe easier isn't the right word -none of it is easier as a whole sum but each thing becomes slightly easier to do. For example, on the day Hannah passed away we returned home and I really struggled to walk into the house. It took a while and I sat outside for a little while as I slowly built up the courage - I think Kate might have come out and helped me and we walked in together. What a strange thing to think about now but that's what happened. Then it was plucking the courage to walk into her bedroom, then to sit on her bed, then to pick up some toys or sort through her clothes. Walk into her little closet or hold her favorite teddy beddy. Even finding an item of clothing of hers and slowly bringing up to your nose fearful but hopeful it will still smell of her.

These are the little milestones we have been slowly navigating through these past months. Now we can walk in her bedroom, we can do each of these things. That doesn't mean we do it without huge pangs of feelings but its easier than it first was and we were slowly working through that. There are still not so good days and I wrote about those but most days our are alright and we get through them pretty well.

The news of my Niece's diagnosis has hit us all really hard and i'm finding being back home really difficult so far. We walked into my Mum and Dad's house, a house I grew up in and where memories of Hannah are everywhere and I found it hard. They have lots of pictures up of Hannah and it was a little like that first time walking into our house after she died. Kate walked into the room and mentioned the pictures and there were three on top of a cabinet we turned and looked at and we both started with the water works. Pictures where everywhere and I was slowly finding them around the house. I know where all the pictures are at home but here they were surprising me. Each one taking me by surprise and each one flooding me with memories and I've already said how pictures and memories have a way to fill your heart and crush you all at the same time. My gorgeous little girl is now just a series of gorgeous pictures. Eventually it got a little easier, but then we have the same process at Kate's Mum and Dads and then Kate's Sisters house. It's so mentally exhausting and it's somewhat suffocating.

I think its worse because of the news of Alyssa. She is about to embark on a similar path we wadded through with Hannah. Probably even to the same Proton center in Jacksonville so all these demons we have put away in our minds we are going to have to relive again this next year. I'm scared to be honest. Not for Alyssa or my sister and her Partner Ben. They will adapt and will get through it. I've met too many families now to know what people are able to get through when they have to. They will be no different. You have to keep hope in your heart. Still, the thought of walking on to an Oncology ward and walking into the Proton center absolutely terrifies me. I know how much that is going to take emotionally because it was so hard the first time and being in recovery mode is a different mind set to fight mode.

We have also been watching all of our Niece's playing and running around. Its lovely to see and it's great for Nora but its also heart wrenching at the same time. There is a small person missing and there is no getting around that or how that makes you feel. Kate's Mum actually sent a picture of them all yesterday l but the one thing I could see was a picture of Hannah in the back ground.

I've already been reading up on Rhabdomyosarcoma, reading and processing and reading and processing. I'm going to go to clinic with my Sister tomorrow to help her with the Doctors and to discuss the plan for Alyssa's treatment. We are pretty experienced with all this now and it will be easier for me to absorb and process the information and I already have a list of questions. This all leads to the emotional tiredness or exhaustion we are all too familiar with and we have been here before. My sister is telling me how sick she feels and how much of a shock it is. I can only respond with I know and that feeling is never going to go away. I cant help her with that anymore than to assure her all these thoughts and fears and the anxiety is normal. It's not going to go away and quite honestly - you never want it to go away.

This will all get easier I am sure. We are here for several weeks and in a way i'm sure these days will be somewhat therapeutic. We are just working through these new milestones of our grief process but its all very much full on and hard core all at once right now. The only thing we can do is channel our inner Hannah, be brave, and have the courage to keep going one little step at a time - all with hope in our heart.